Tuesday, November 17, 2015

A for Apple. B for Ball


The ABCD I follow today...

A for Ayn Rand

B for Bombay ; B for Batman

C for Chess

D for Dad

E for Ears (fetish! haw)

F for Fergusson ; F for Freud

G for Gujju

H for Hermann Rorschach

I for IQ

J for Jankidevi Public School

K for Khatwani(s)

L for Lokhandwala

M for Momzi/Mummy

N for Naanu

O for Opinionated (and Of course OMG?)

P for Psychology ; Psychology for Purpose

Q for Questions

R for Ritik

S for SameerShalini

T for Travel

U for me!

V for everyone!

W for With or Without you

X for XL (Fear getting there with each passing day!)

Y for Yellow (BIG time into Coldplay)

Z for Zeros (Yea, I am materialistic, See G for..)

Sunday, June 30, 2013

The list

"One is never too old to make new dreams"

1. Go back to school (and not be a nerd this time)

2. Have my own school!

3. Own a convertible car 

4. Play chess (not just to win)

5. Travel (and never come back)

6. Retouch the hearts I broke

7. Taste the best wine (on a beach under the moonlight)

8. Le promenade on Champs Elysees (these boots are made for walking )

9. Learn to fly ( 9 a. Read Jonathan livingston seagull again)

10. Dance on a cruise ship

11. Learn how to play a guitar (and play my favorite song to myself)

12. Have just one best friend and just one true love 

13. Not lose my innocence to this world

14. Become famous

15. Learn to be shy 

16. Live on the penthouse of the tallest building in Bombay (hopefully sea facing)

17. Enjoy my own company

18. Have a HUGE library/study at home (where I wake up in the mornings to realise I fell asleep halfway through a book the previous night)

19. Invent one new thing in this world (besides learning how to fly)

20. Learn sign language 

Most important: Find my purpose in life and death



Monday, June 24, 2013

A game of Chess


Life is a game of Chess, make the right moves and you will win. I started playing Chess at the age of seven and I strongly feel, after years into the game, that the sport gave much more to me than I could
ever offer in return.  So this one is for you, my first love- Chess.
Divided into little black and white squares, I sometimes wonder if it were always that simple for me to decide, as to whether I should strengthen each of the 64 squares individually or look at the board as a broader, more cumulative grey as the game proceeded. After two degrees in Psychology, several researches, internships, more and more extra courses into the field and 24 years of learning and reflecting, I yet fail to answer this dilemma of the game and of my life.
My father, signifying the Rook in the game, always taught me to move straight ahead, launch at the correct opportunities and strike at the heart. My mother, representing the Bishop in the game had her own fore sighted, diagonal views and preaching to life. My brother, my favorite piece- the Knight, taught me to position myself the best, make short term goals and have that extra one-two-and-a-“half” jump to move ahead. All my friends, the pawns, have always protected and rebelled with me as the game progressed into triumphs.
And so I put it all together, and decided to be the Queen of the game. Still looking for the king, to nurture and live by my side till the end of the game, I have come a long way to realize that I DEMAND the sport to enjoy me more than I enjoy it, as much as I assert that my life enjoys me as much, or even more, than I enjoy my life.
My favorite Black opening – The Pelican, like the bird, explains me the best. I love to spread my flight feathers, just above the endless ocean, swim with my strong feet, firmly grounded on land at the same time and convert minor advantages and opportunities of life into thrilling victories.
Instead of carefully planning each move, I like to actively enter the battlefield without my shields, risk that sacrifice, exploit my potentials, challenge my limits and eventually conquer. I agree that the race is long, but having established a strong internal locus of control, yes, I do believe- Life is a game of Chess, make the right moves and you will win!



Friday, December 2, 2011

What Next?

I am back from the dead.. The grave's becoming uncomfortable.. so ill come and socialize again.. then i ll hit the burn-out phase (again!) and decide to hibernate!.. its becoming a cycle.. every time i tell myself its just a phase..
"Just a phase"!
That's what i am going to write about today. Today, i am going through a phase where i don't know what's next?
Let's simplify:
All my friends are either getting married/looking for suitors/debating with their parents OR still in college. So they are either in the 'gonna settle down soon' Phase.. or ''too carefree to give a damn" college phase.
As for me, well What next? too soon to settle and past the college days.. what next?

Either you are going to get a degree or get a brand new job/project/training.. Well i am done with my degrees (atleast for a long time now).. I have been in my job far too long (or so i have started to feel) to feel perky about it. Also, now again the question is- What Next?

When i was in college, i believed that once i am done, with all the qualifications i have, ill show the world what i really AM.. i felt i ll change the way the world operated.. i was not just a rebel.. i was righteous..I was preparing to conquer...I read all the Ayn Rands out there.. and thought life's gonna thrill me..
Well, i won't say that now i don't believe in myself.. but i feel like i have slowed down.. Whats the quantum leap now? Wasn't college the launching pad? I felt the jolt, i took off well, reached somewhere in mid-space.. still haven't landed..Question again- What next? Just keep fueling up and drift around with the winds?

I shopped and shopped the day i got my first salary.. i bought myself expensive gifts and took myself to the restaurants i wanted to try.. the second salary, i send at home and felt proud.. the third, well i saved a bit.. the fourth.. ummmmmm am i saving all my life? So i can.... so i can what? change the world with it?!
What next?

A man without a purpose is the the most depraved type of human being. I have the insight, do i have the purpose yet? What IS there to conquer? What did i gear up for?

I yearn for a change today.. but well, men struggle for security.. i am not old enough to want security.. am not young enough to march for a change.. What next?

Am i catastrophizing? or finally growing up?

Is this really a phase.. WHAT is "a phase?"

People always said i talked a lot..

Today, i am a psychologist.. I am LISTENING.. Tell me, wise ones- What next?

Bewildered,
Niharika





Thursday, September 9, 2010

Van gogh- explained...





Once upon a time…


So, this post is about a legendary man, an artist, and a true intellect, troubled for sanity, whose life overflowed with a torrent of ideas and images, and ended in one of the most tragic suicides ever. He was a man who died 120 years ago, when Sigmund Freud was 34, Alfred Adler 20, Karl Jung 15 and the understanding of the human mind barely in its infancy. However, his legacy still continues and manages to amuse and captivate the hearts and wits of millions of intellects, as well as mere final year psychology students, like myself.

This study is about THE artist of ‘Starry night’, widely regarded as one of history's greatest painters and an important contributor to the foundations of modern art- Vincent Willem van Gogh. Van gogh produced more than 2,000 artworks, consisting of around 900 paintings and 1,100 drawings and sketches.  Although he was little known during his lifetime, his work was a strong influence on the modernist art that followed. Today many of his pieces—including his numerous self-portraits, landscapes, portraits and sunflowers—are among the world's most recognizable and expensive works of art.

A glimpse into his early years…

 Born to Anna Cornelia Carbentus and Theodorus van Gogh, on the 30 March 1853, Van gogh was the eldest among six siblings. He died early at the age of 37 by a self-inflicting gunshot wound in 1890.Van gogh’s father was a (pastor) minister of the Dutch Reformed Church and his mother was an artist. Thus, Art and religion were the two occupations to which the Van Gogh’s family gravitated.

As a child, Vincent was serious, silent and thoughtful. After attending the village school in his childhood, when he was sent to the elementary boarding school about 20 miles (32 km) away, he was severely distressed to leave his family and home, and recalled this even in adulthood. Van Gogh abruptly left his middle school too in 1868, where he learnt the basics of painting, and returned home. A later comment on his early years was, "My youth was gloomy and cold and sterile".

Van gogh was increasingly isolated and fervent in his adolescence about religion. He was later sent to work in a dealership by his father and uncle, however that too turned out to be a failure and his employment there was soon terminated. He then took a position as a supply teacher in a small boarding school; nevertheless, the arrangement did not work out.

Failed Love…

In 1869, when Van gogh fell in love for the first time with Eugénie Loyer, she rejected him when he finally confessed his feeling to her. She was already secretly engaged to a former lodger. Van gogh was gravely hurt and disturbed by this event.

A few years later, after subsequent failures in his career, he spent time with his recently widowed cousin, Kee Vos-Stricker. He proposed marriage, but she refused with the words, "No, never, never". Kee refused to see him again and her parents wrote, "Your persistence is disgusting".  Eventually, in desperation, he held his left hand in the flame of a lamp, with the words "Let me see her for as long as I can keep my hand in the flame."

In 1882, Van gogh had a new domestic arrangement with an alcoholic prostitute, "Sien" Hoornik. Van Gogh's father, on the discovery of the relationship, put considerable pressure on his son to abandon Sien and her children. Vincent was at first defiant, however, he left them eventually. Sien drowned at her own hand in the river Scheldt. That December, driven by loneliness, he went to stay with his parents.

In autumn 1884, Margot Begemann, a neighbor's daughter ten years older than him, often accompanied Van gogh on his painting forays. She fell in love, and he reciprocated—though less enthusiastically. They decided to marry, but both families opposed the idea.

On 26 March 1885, Van gogh’s father died of a heart attack and he grieved deeply at the loss.

Religious Breakthrough…

When Van gogh left to become a Methodist minister's assistant in 1876, to follow his wish to "preach the gospel everywhere”, he was not happy in this new position and spent most of his time doodling or translating passages from the Bible. His religious emotion grew increasingly until he felt he had found his true vocation. In an effort to support him to become a pastor, his family sent him to Amsterdam to study theology. There, he failed the entrance examination. He later undertook, but failed, a three-month course at a Protestant missionary school.

 Taking Christianity to what he saw as its logical conclusion, Van Gogh opted to live like a missionary—sharing their hardships, to the extent of sleeping on straw in a small hut at the back of the baker's house where he was billeted. The baker's wife reported hearing Van Gogh sobbing all night in the hut. The following year, he returned home where he became a cause of increasing concern and frustration for his parents. There was particular conflict between Vincent and his father; his father made inquiries about having his son admitted to a lunatic asylum.

Discovering Creativity…

Van Gogh wished to become an artist while in God's service as he stated, "...to try to understand the real significance of what the great artists, the serious masters, tell us in their masterpieces, that leads to God; one man wrote or told it in a book; another in a picture."

In his final years of artistic breakthrough, hoping to have a gallery to display his work, his major project at this time was a series of paintings which included: Van Gogh's Chair (1888), Bedroom in Arles (1888), The Night Café (1888), The Café Terrace on the Place du Forum, Arles, at Night (September 1888), Starry Night Over the Rhone (1888), Still Life: Vase with Twelve Sunflowers (1888), all intended to form the decoration for the Yellow House. (Home)
 Van Gogh wrote about The Night Café: "I have tried to express the idea that the café is a place where one can ruin oneself, go mad, or commit a crime.”

Van gogh’s paintings are a remarkable reflection of his imagination, inner conflicts, thinking and lifestyle. The pain and grief of the artist are expressed in his art.


Self-Mutilation or Rebel…?

After repeated requests, when the then famous artist Gauguin finally arrived to live with Van gogh, the two painted together. However, their relationship deteriorated rapidly and they quarreled fiercely about art; Van Gogh felt an increasing fear that Gauguin was going to desert him. In 1888, frustrated and ill, Van Gogh confronted Gauguin with a razor blade and in panic left their quarters and fled to a local brothel. While there, he cut off the lower part of his left ear lobe which he wrapped the severed tissue in newspaper and handed it to a prostitute asking her to "keep this object carefully." Gauguin left Arles and never saw Van Gogh again.
Days later, Van Gogh was hospitalized and left in a critical state for several days.

 

Suffering health…

Bread, coffee and tobacco were Van gogh’s staple intake. His teeth became loose and caused him much pain. Van Gogh had also begun to drink absinthe heavily in his late twenties. Besides, he was also treated for syphilis. Van gogh also suffered from epileptic attacks frequently.  Due to excessive intake of absinthe and the subsequent medication, Van gogh also suffered from a medical condition that led to faulty vision. He saw yellow colour in everything and thus, all his paintings are overflowing with yellow. It is believed to be his favourite colour.

There has been much debate over the years as to the source of Van Gogh's illness and its effect on his work. Over 150 psychiatrists have attempted to label its root, and some 30 different diagnoses have been suggested. Diagnoses that have been put forward include schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, syphilis, poisoning from swallowed paints, temporal lobe epilepsy and acute intermittent porphyria. Any of these could have been the culprit and been aggravated by malnutrition, overwork, insomnia and a fondness for alcohol, especially absinthe.

The End…

Recently acquitted from the hospital, Van Gogh suffered a severe setback in December 1889. Although he had been troubled by mental illness throughout his life, the episodes became more pronounced during his last few years. In some of these periods he was either unwilling or unable to paint, a factor, which added to the mounting frustrations of an artist at the peak of his ability. His depression gradually deepened. On 27 July 1890, aged 37, he walked into a field and shot himself in the chest with a revolver. He survived the impact and managed to walk back to the Inn. He died there two days later. Theo, the brother he was closest to, rushed to be at his side. Theo reported his brother's last words as "La tristesse durera toujours" (the sadness will last forever).

Van Gogh- Explained…

If one had to draw parallels between Van Gogh’s early life with that of Alfred Adler’s, he would be amazed to find the striking similarities. Like Van gogh, Adler came from a family of artists (music) too. Adler had brothers and sisters who were very good at playing the piano and singing, but Adler couldn’t cope with them because of his health problems. He suffered from rivalry with his brother and always felt that his brother is always ahead of him, which we observe was also the case with Van gogh. Van gogh also suffered from many health issues and found it difficult to overcome his psychological weaknesses too. Adler and Van gogh both indulged themselves into books and read voraciously, especially about religion. Adler’s divergent thinking led to his break up with Freud which is similar to Van gogh’s break up with Gauguin leading to the epilepsy of his left ear lobe. Both of them felt the urge to serve the society, one through medicine and the other through painting. 

Love, Life and Work...

According to Adler, the three basic problems in life are Love, Life (communal or society), and work.  People must build as many relationships as possible to have a fulfilled life.  One environmental problem that leads to neurosis is rejection.  Van Gogh experiences much rejection (almost in every step of his life) from family, the church and the women he loved.  This destructive environment left him feeling inferior and he threw himself into becoming an artist to prove that he is superior over others. (Over Compensation)

Inferiority Complex and compensation…

Vincent's experience with inadequate parenting left him feeling inferior.  Vincent was not able to cope with life's stressors in a healthy way. As Adler explains, one feels the need for aggression and strives hard to achieve superiority. Van gogh first attempted to obtain perfection by becoming an evangelist. This too was an attempt to keep his parents (father mainly) happy and prove his worth to them.  He was rejected by the church, which lead to a severe depression.  Also, he was rejected by the ones he loved, over and over again, which added to the devastation in his life.  Vincent in turn abandoned his religious beliefs that disturbed his parents greatly.  As mentioned earlier, the relationship between he and his parents was difficult at best, and violent with his father.

Neglect…

 Vincent was also the first born and had to accommodate for his brothers and sisters and was no longer the center of attention in childhood.  Due to the lack of ability to establish long lasting relationships with family (other than his brother Theo, of whom he was emotionally and financially dependant), friends and intimate relationships, he threw himself into becoming an artist to prove his superiority.  He has already been dismissed by the church and was fired by the firm where he worked as an art dealer.  He threw himself into becoming an artist, setting high goals of superiority over others.  Theo believed in his genius and supported him financially. However, even when Vincent lived with Theo, Theo had a hard time handling his outbursts and egotistic ways.  It is believed that Van gogh was secretly even envious of his brother for having a settled life, a healthy marriage and a child. He did not like to take financial support from his younger brother and always felt indebted to him. He also felt insecure that Theo would neglect him after his marriage. However, Vincent loved him dearly.

Unrealistic goals and style of life…

This led him to set unrealistic goals of perfection and attempts to avoid failure at all costs.  His personal goal of superiority, lead to his destructive lifestyle that included abuse of absinthe, prostitutes, and psychotic behavior. He also tried living like missionaries do and adopted their lifestyle in an effort to prove himself, but he wasn’t happy with it at all.

Creative Power of an individual…

Adler pointed out that we respond actively and creatively to the various influences affecting our lives. Each individual has a center where he or she is free. This center, for Van gogh, was his love for art. It stressed on Van gogh’s positive, creative and healthy capacities. Inspite of his mental illness, he culminated goals and set means for achieving them that made him organize his life into a consistent life style.

Adler once stated that “An individual is both- the picture and the artist. He is the artist of his own personality”. Van gogh is a classic example to understand this expression.

Evaluation…

 It was not until the end of his life, after a significant stay in an asylum, that his artwork began to be appreciated.  It was shortly after that he took his own life.
If Vincent Van Gogh had been able to gain insight into his childhood experiences and the times of rejection during his life, he may have had a chance to work out some of his unrealistic expectations and mistaken beliefs.  He could have re-established realistic goals and identified strengths and potential.  His behavior was guided by his attitude about his experiences and the meaning he gave to those experiences. 
Troubled with mental illness, financial ruin, and romantic heartbreak, Vincent's troubled life is reflected in the honesty and emotion that his paintings are known for. The world surely benefited from his artwork which was an over compensation and need to prove his superiority over others, as Adler would describe it. Even after hundreds of years, Van gogh is considered a legendary artist and the legacy still continues…
Personally, I wrote my first blog on him- It was a first love thing!


(Don McLean- Starry Starry night):
Now I think I know what you tried to say to me,
how you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen; they're not listening still.
Perhaps they never will...